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Susan: Grow Your Own Penis,
Safely and Naturally!
by Crystal Canyon |
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I never was one to order stuff online.
I always
suspected you wouldn't get what you hoped for. And I
was right.
Bob had been acting pretty strange. Our sex life was
down to almost nothing. I think, maybe, he was seeing
someone else. But you know, I wasn't all that upset.
I was kind of tired of him, anyway.
So, it was almost his birthday, and I had to get him
something, but I wasn't in that "buy him something
fantastic and then give him a blow job" mood like the
year before. Still, I had to at least shop. I
figured I'd go to the mall after I checked my email.
I wrapped myself around a mug of coffee and logged on.
Mostly spam, as always. A few of those stupid chain
emails, some stuff from work that I knocked out right
away, and then this: SUSAN, Grow your Penis, Safely
and Naturally!
Man, those email sales jerks were getting desperate.
I mean, they knew my name was Susan. If they could
grow me a penis, I'd like to see it. I'd be a
frickin' millionaire. And then I thought, what about
Bob?
Maybe it was mean of me, but I just knew I'd love
giving him a bottle of those pills or whatever it was.
The ad was pretty vague, but it was only $29.95. I
figured if Bob redeemed himself somehow between now
and his birthday I could still afford something nice
for him. And if not, it'd make a great kiss-off
present.
Two days later, the Fed-Ex man showed up with this
huge box. It wasn't all that heavy, though, so I put
it on the kitchen table to open it up.
Underneath all those packing peanuts they always put
in (I swear they're just there to make the box bigger
so you feel like you got something) was a booklet
(Complete and Lasting Satisfaction Guaranteed,
Susan!), several small bottles, and a smaller box,
wrapped in shrink-wrap.
I put the bottles and the box on the table, and set
the big box out on the front porch. It seemed funny
that they would personalize that booklet. And now, I
had to do something to it. I mean, I couldn't give
him the booklet with my name on it. Maybe I could
make a sticker that said "Bob." Anyway, my curiosity
was piqued. I flipped through the booklet.
Step One: Your Growth Tray
Unwrap the Growth Tray and examine its contents. You
should find a square of spongy tissue, 2 inches on
each side, resting in an even layer of growth medium.
Check your tray, and reseal the plastic wrap to keep
it moist.
Sure enough, under the plastic wrap, was a pinkish
patch of something in the middle of a tray of soft,
gray pebbles. It was all damp, with condensation
rolling down the plastic wrap. I wrapped it up again,
and looked at the booklet. Damn it, I was going to
have to buy Bob something else. He'd never put his
dick in a box of dirt, even for a joke.
Step Two: Your Growth Serums
Your package should include three bottles of Growth
Serum and one bottle of Tinting Factor. Chart your
Schedule on the Calendar at the end of this
instruction booklet for optimum results.
Finally, there were some real instructions.
Step Three: Growing Your Penis
Snip the tip of each bottle of Growth Serum and the
bottle of Tinting Factor. Replace the small red caps,
to prevent accidental spillage. "Grow your Penis,
Safely and Naturally!" is not responsible for damage
to furniture, carpeting, clothing or pets due to
careless handling of Growth Serum or Tinting Factor.
Wearing disposable latex gloves (included) massage a
few drops of Growth Serum 1 into the surface of the
spongy tissue in your tray. Repeat every other day.
On alternate days, sprinkle the gray Growing Medium
with Growth Serum 2. Keep the tray in a dark place,
covered, to retain moisture.
I went out to the box of packing peanuts on the porch,
and fished out the packet of disposable gloves. I
massaged some Growth Serum 1 into my square of tissue
and put the tray in a Zip-loc bag, and set it on a
shelf in my hall closet. I put the rest of the
bottles in another Zip-loc and sat down on the couch
with the pamphlet.
Step Four (optional): Tinting Factor
Some of our Clients prefer a darker Penis. To
customize the color of your Penis, carefully add a few
drops of Tinting Factor at a time until the desired
color is reached. Most clients find the Penis
maintains its color with minimal effort. Should you
need more Tinting Factor, call our 800 number for free
refills.
OK, clearly I'd been had, but it was fun. The more I
thought about it, the less I wanted to buy Bob
anything for his birthday, anyway. So I skipped the
mall and got my nails done, instead. Then I took my
lunch to the park and watched the squirrels while I
ate.
The next day was Monday, so I squirted a little Bottle
2 into the Zip-loc bag and didn't really look. Then
Tuesday, I was so rushed I forgot to do anything with
it. At lunch, I zipped home long enough to put some
more of that Growth Factor 1 on again. I pulled the
tray out of the closet and opened the bag. Droplets
of Growth Factor rolled down the sides of the bag. I
peered in, and saw my spongy square. Only it wasn't
just a square anymore. It looked like a marshmallow,
one of those big ones you used to make S'mores. Only
still pink. Whatever it was, it was growing, alright.
I sealed the bag and stuck it back in the closet.
As the week went on, Bob was not calling, and I was
taking really good care of that tray in the closet. I
mean, I never had much of a green thumb, so to see
anything growing was pretty satisfying. But more than
that, this thing was really starting to look like
something. By Friday, there was no doubt in my mind.
Three inches tall, a wobbly inch wide, it was a penis. I was growing a penis in my hall closet.
Day after day, I ministered to the sprouting pink
shaft on the tray. After about two weeks, the head of
the penis was pressing against the plastic bag so
hard, the edges of the tray started to warp. I
unzipped the bag, but couldn't ease the tray out of
it. I was afraid I'd break the penis, like a
mishandled mushroom. I opened a trash can liner on
the kitchen table, and gently placed the tray, still
in the bag, on top of it.
With a pair of kitchen shears, I carefully slit open
the zip-loc bag. I heard a tiny sigh. At the time, I
figured it was just pressure escaping, but looking
back I'm not so sure.
The penis swayed on its tray, almost as if it was
seeking a way out. I was afraid it'd break off, so I
reached out and steadied it with my hand.
The penis felt warm. Not like it was absorbing heat
from the bag. More like it was using up energy. With
one hand on the penis and the other hand under the
tray, I lifted it out of the zip-loc bag and set it
back down on the open garbage can liner. I stripped
the droplets off of the bag, back onto the tray (waste
not, want not, I always say) and tossed the zip-loc in
the trash.
I turned back to the tray, and carefully lifted the
sides of the bag around it. I sealed the bag with one
of those wire twist things, and walked it back to the
closet. I had to kind of roll the bag up on the side
and rest it on the tray, just to make it all fit in on
the shelf.
I kept to the schedule, sprinkling the pebbles in the
tray and massaging Growth Serum into the penis. I
didn't want to lose track of things, so I X'd my
calendar every day. After about three weeks (Bob's
birthday had come and gone and I didn't even notice
except for the whiney message he left on my machine,
the fucker) I started hearing a tiny, steady noise
from the closet. When I opened the door, I could see
the problem. The penis was too tall to really fit on
the shelf. The penis head was tapping on the shelf
above it, like it was searching for a way out.
I took the tray off of its shelf and moved it to the
floor of my bedroom closet.
Sitting there amongst my shoes, the penis looked a
little pale. Maybe it was time for the Tinting Factor
after all. So, I poured a few drops on the tip of the
penis, and watched them start to roll down the side of
the shaft. They didn't roll far. As they seeped over
the edge of the penis head, they seemed to soak in to
the flesh of the penis. I could see the tint working
its way across the surface of the penis, until the
whole thing was an even shade of tan. Beautiful,
really, and more and more lifelike by the day. I slid
the tray in its bag back into the closet, and closed
the door.
That night I guess I finally realized Bob and I were
over. He hadn't called again, and I sure as hell
hadn't, what with work and dealing with this penis
thing. And it was funny. I didn't miss him at all.
I didn't care if I ever talked to him again. I didn't
need closure, or reassurance, or anything. It felt
pretty good. Better than I'd felt since I met him, I
think.
After dinner, I lit a few candles, put on a Sting cd,
and slipped into the tub. It was nice just to soak,
and smell the candles, and listen to Sting. Man, that
man can make anything sound sexy. When my fingers and
toes started to prune, I wrapped myself in a towel and
headed back to the bedroom.
The closet door was open. I don't think I had left it
like that. I'm a pretty tidy person, as a rule. But
it was open now, and I could see the edge of the
plastic bag spread out on the carpet. I walked over
to the closet, just figuring I'd nudge the whole thing
back in with my foot and go to bed, when I noticed the
penis was, well, wilted. It looked flabby, and small,
under the plastic. Maybe I'd missed a day, or
something, but you wouldn't think I could kill it that
easily, not after watching it grow so steadily and so
fast. I pulled on a tank top and shorts and knelt
down beside the bag.
When I opened it, the penis jerked, just a little. I
reached out to prop it up, and it immediately
responded. It sprang to attention (kind of like Bob,
about three years ago) and stood there, erect,
quivering. I hadn't realized just how big this thing
was, until I really looked at it, just then. My hand
could almost wrap around it, but not quite. The
length of it, under that tan (Customized for Your
Pleasure!) was ropy with something I would swear were
veins. I thought I must be pretty hard up to be
imagining stuff like that, but then I wasn't imagining
it. The tray in my bedroom closet was hung like a
horse.
What did I do? Well, what would you do? I wrapped my
left hand around the base of it, where it rose out of
the pebbles. They were starting to fuse together,
somehow. I could feel some blood, or energy, or lust, something,
pulsing at the base of the shaft. As I stroked up the length of
the penis, a tiny, clear drop appeared on the tip. I leaned over
and tasted it, with the tip of my tongue. Sweet. Salty. Familiar.
Maybe this sounds crazy to you - the whole thing looks
pretty crazy when I write it down - but more than
anything I wanted to feel that penis inside me. I
pulled off my shorts and straddled the tray.
The penis seemed to pulse again, like it was searching
for my pussy. I slowly sank down onto it, bracing
myself on the tips of my fingers so I could look at it
entering me. It didn't look like it was possible, at
first, but as big as it was it quickly slipped inside.
I knelt there for a second, just feeling the length
of it throb, feeling the roughness of the carpet on my
knees.
I started rocking on it, letting it push deeper into
me and fall back with a slow sucking sound. I reached
under my shirt and pinched my nipples, hard, feeling
my creation fuck me. I came pretty quickly; came
again.
Afterwards, I fell asleep, right there on the rug,
with my hand wrapped around the base of the penis.
When I woke up, the pebbles and the tray had
solidified into something smooth, and firm, and tan,
stretching out beyond the tray. And just under the
cock, my fingers were curled around a pair of heavy,
nearly hairless balls. |
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